State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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