so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
