i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Randomize
