Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
