Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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