I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
