Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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