I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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