Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
