There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
