I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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