its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
