I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize