FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize