They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
