bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
