Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I believe in your delicious
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
