so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
