Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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