even my farts smell like vagina
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
