It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
