she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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