Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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