my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
