If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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