I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
