brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
