why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
