my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
