She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
