I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
