Can i not drive my cunt home
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize