My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
