I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
