i can't believe i had my finger in that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
