I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
