Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
