6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this boner is exhausting
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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