3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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