oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize