This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
