I look better un-naked...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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