I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
