so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
