Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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