You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
