don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
