can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
