She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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