i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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