He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
