High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
