I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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