Acid is not a monday night drug
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
