I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
