my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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