I faked an abortion last night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
