my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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