dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
