I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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