I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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