I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
